Just yesterday, a teacher at my son’s school shared with me a story. She accompanied a group of California eighth graders on a Washington, D.C., trip where they met up with other eighth graders from across the country.
Unsurprisingly, they were initially nervous to meet unfamiliar teens from places like Kansas and Louisiana—people they viewed as living lives far different from their West Coast upbringing. But, in just a few days, when it was time to return home, she saw these eighth graders were nearly teary-eyed at having to say goodbye to their newfound friends.
Far too many of the stories about teens in the media suggest they are all emotionally fragile and ill-equipped for in-real-life interactions because they’re anxious and constantly doom-scrolling on their phones.
Our recent “Bridging Differences for Teens and Parents” video series shares stories similar to this teacher’s. Last summer, Anaconda Street Productions brought together five families—parents and their teens—from a range of backgrounds to connect across their differences. They were guided by Dhaarmika Coelho, founder of Camp Kindness Counts, a nonprofit organization that empowers young people, adults, and families to embrace their authentic selves, encourages them to make a positive impact on their communities, and inspires them to become courageous, compassionate global citizens.
While teens today are growing up in the midst of an organized movement to activate an “Us vs. Them” mindset, decades of research points to an alternative where teens can bridge differences with people across culture, ethnicity, race, faith, or political orientation.
“Bridging differences involves seeing the humanity of people from different groups and seeking to understand their perspectives—it’s in opposition to dehumanization,” explains Juliana Tafur, Greater Good Science Center Bridging Difference program director. Our “Bridging Differences for Teens and Parents” video series highlights five ways for parents and teens to build skills to be open to and connect across differences.
In the series, we meet Lee and his 15-year-old son Noah. They’ve had their share of communication challenges despite having a loving relationship. “I’ll stop talking and I’ll just feel like he’s not really listening and he doesn’t want to actually talk about it,” explains Noah about how his conversations with his dad sometimes go. In the video, Lee and Noah learn a new way to have a conversation about an ordinary, everyday topic.
In the next video, 15-year-old Tymofiy and his mother Olena share some of the hardships they experienced as immigrants to the United States from Ukraine. Olena and Tymofiy learn that having a mindset that views people’s attitudes—including negative assumptions about others—as changeable helps us be more open to interacting with people rather than writing them off.
We also meet Legi, who is the mother of 14-year-old Samuel. They’ve experienced many changes in their lives as immigrants to the United States—and Samuel initially struggled to feel like he fit in with his peers. Legi and Samuel learn that exploring and better understanding their own identity can help them feel grounded and secure in knowing themselves—which, in turn, can help us feel better prepared to engage with other people.
Next, we meet 17-year-old Luna and her father Matt. Luna is eager to improve their communication. During a heartfelt conversation, they learn about one another’s vulnerabilities as they explore the role acceptance can play in navigating challenging emotions.
In the final video, Dhaarmika and her two daughters, Sonali and Nina, reflect on having been exposed to many people in their community from a range of backgrounds since they were little, and how that has helped them. They learn about the benefits of having a mindset that appreciates differences as worthwhile.
From these videos, we can distill at least five key lessons for parents (and educators).
1. Listen to teens with compassion. As our teens move toward becoming more independent from us, sometimes they tend to be less inclined to share personal hardships. When they do share, it can be a valuable opportunity to show them our love and desire to understand them. When your teens make a bid to talk to you about their challenges, respond by letting them know you’re available for them. Show that you’re really listening, with warmth and nonjudgment.
2. Help teens recognize our potential for change. Having a mindset that people are mostly set in their ways can lead us to view all people who have negative attitudes about others as forever “bad.” But there’s an alternative mindset: People can change. This belief in growth helps us to be more open to interacting with people who are different from us, even though it could be really difficult. A growth mindset can help your teen recognize that people with prejudiced attitudes will keep learning from their experiences and challenges, which may encourage them to meet and interact with people from different groups.
3. Encourage teens to unpack identity. Beginning to answer the big question “Who am I?” is one of the most important tasks teens face. As parents, we can help our teens learn about and develop positive feelings about the social groups they belong to—like their ethnicity, race, religion, gender—which can be an important way that your teen develops a positive self-concept. Unpacking identity involves parents and teens exploring social identities and reflecting on the ones that are the most important to how they see themselves.
4. Help teens navigate emotions. Meeting and having conversations with unfamiliar people can be exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. Teens may be drawn to try to understand the perspectives of people who are different from them because they value bridging differences—but feeling anxious can get in the way of that process. As parents, we can help our teens learn to navigate emotions by practicing “acceptance” of challenging feelings that can come up when they meet people who are different from them.
5. Nurture in teens a mindset that values diversity. It’s worth nurturing the belief that it’s worthwhile to notice and appreciate a range of backgrounds, experiences, and points of view. As parents, when we talk with our teens about times when different perspectives and life journeys have helped solve both small and large problems, we can help build up their awareness of why and how diversity is valuable.
By the end of their gathering, these families learned not only what it means to bridge differences, but also what it does not mean. Connecting across differences does not require that you put yourself in harm’s way, make convincing others your goal, or mandate compromise or consensus.
In her final reflections, Dhaarmika shares that her favorite part of the experience with these families was seeing the teens being able to bond in a short time. “To be able to hear their heart and their soul speak, it was very powerful for me,” she explains. “It reminded me of the importance of creating deeper connections with individuals and families who have very different life experiences than my own.”
About six months after they initially met, Dhaarmika reconnected with some of these families. The parents she spoke with reflected that they learned how important it is to notice times when there’s a greater openness to listening to begin to bridge differences. They also shared with her that bridging involves taking action. “You need to take your time, be slow, and come in calm,” one parent explained.