A college student in my interpersonal forgiveness class said, “I think I am surprised that to this day, I actually haven’t had a therapist help me with the forgiveness process.” Another student said, “I am now genuinely awed by the possibility of forgiveness as an option for my clients to consider in their own healing journeys.”
According to Robert Enright and Richard Fitzgibbons, although the topic of forgiveness is becoming more popular in the news and on social media, therapists may still need to take an active role in bringing up the topic to clients.
Forgiveness therapy is an approach that is specifically targeted to “help people overcome resentment, bitterness, and even hatred toward people who have treated them unfairly and at times cruelly.” Forgiveness therapy helps clients slowly let go of anger and better understand their offender and their choices, as well as choose a morally good response toward the offender.
As Enright and Fitzgibbons explain, forgiveness therapy provides the therapist with a unique way to help clients learn to resolve their anger without hurting themselves or others. Research suggests that forgiveness can effectively reduce anger, anxiety, and depression and increase hope in various groups of people, including incest survivors and men hurt by their partner’s abortion. Forgiveness therapy can be used in combination with existing therapeutic approaches or as the primary therapeutic approach.
Misconceptions about forgiveness can lead to confusion for therapists who may be reading and hearing very different perspectives on it. With a better understanding of forgiveness therapy, you may be more willing to use it with your clients. Below are evidence-based guidelines for forgiveness therapy based on a 2016 paper I wrote with Tiffany Zarifkar, so you can most effectively help your clients navigate the delicate balance between acknowledging injustice, dealing with their pain, and moving toward healing.
1. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting
A widely accepted definition of forgiveness in psychology is to “willfully abandon resentment and related responses (to which [people] have a right) and endeavor to respond to the wrongdoer based on the moral principle of beneficence, which may include compassion, unconditional worth, generosity, and moral love.” In this definition, the injured person does not deny their resentment but works through it. And the offender does not deserve the injured’s goodwill and compassion because of their hurtful actions, but the injured gives it to them anyway.
A simpler definition states that forgiveness is when there is a decrease in negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward an offender and, perhaps over time, a gradual increase in positive thoughts, feelings, and (sometimes) behaviors. Forgiveness is more than just letting go of anger, hatred, and revenge, although this is often the first sign that forgiveness may be occurring.
Forgiveness also includes accepting the offender’s humanity and value despite their harmful actions, as we recognize the worth in all humans. As Lewis B. Smedes explains, an offender is more than their worst action, and it is not fair to reduce an individual to only one act. One goal of forgiveness therapy is not to make excuses for the offense and offender, but to better understand how the hurt occurred.
The first part of forgiving involves recognizing and admitting that we were hurt and did not deserve the hurt. Although forgiveness may help us not to focus on the injury as much, it is not the same as forgetting, as new research explains. Despite the popular saying “Forgive and forget,” forgiving does not produce amnesia, and the pain felt after an intense injury may still exist. Clients who are told that forgiveness and forgetting go together may wonder what is wrong with them when they cannot forget their deep hurt. They may also think that they cannot forgive because they cannot forget.
2. Forgiveness is a choice the individual makes for themselves
Forgiveness is always a voluntary choice the client makes. Clients can benefit from being educated about forgiveness, including what forgiveness is, what it is not, and what it means and looks like to forgive. However, you cannot ethically prescribe clients to forgive. Clients also have the right NOT to forgive, even if you believe that forgiving would be healing for them.
There are approaches to decreasing anger that do not include forgiveness, such as cognitive behavioral therapy. If forgiveness feels like pressure, it is not forgiveness.
As one incest survivor said 33 years after a forgiveness intervention that I conducted with Enright, “Learning that forgiveness is an option and a choice one can make for themselves has been very empowering and revealing to me. Since I first heard about the concept, I have thought about it and used it a lot in my daily life.”
3. An apology is helpful but not necessary to forgive
Unfortunately, offenders do not always show remorse, especially sexual or domestic abuse offenders. Forgiveness can help the client see the offender as human, deserving of respect, and “one of us,” even if that person has not apologized or admitted to wrongdoing.
The difficulty in doing this varies depending on the hurt experienced. Abuse survivors and other clients who have experienced very deep hurts may have more difficulty forgiving without an apology compared with clients whose injuries are not as deep. As John S. Klatt and Enright write, “The position here is that the choice to forgive is not based on the deservingness or actions of the transgressor, but rather the injured person’s desire for emotional healing.”
You can help your clients realize that forgiveness is possible even if their offender does not apologize, as well as understand the difference between reconciliation (where an apology may be important and necessary) and forgiveness, which does not require an apology.
4. Forgiveness takes time, and the timing of forgiveness is important
Forgiveness researchers have learned that the timing of forgiveness is very important. Wanda Malcolm pointed out that in hurrying to forgive, people may try to avoid dealing with their pain. According to Everett Worthington and his colleagues, “Anything done to promote forgiveness has little impact unless substantial time is spent at helping participants think through and emotionally experience their forgiveness.” The goal for you or your clients should not be for them to just “move on.”
According to Karl Tomm, therapists need to know that to apply any kind of external pressure to forgive, when a client is not ready to do so, is to perpetrate a further offense against them. Suggesting forgiveness too early can be harmful, especially after trauma. Forgiveness takes time and is not a shortcut to healing. As one participant said 33 years after our forgiveness intervention with incest survivors, “Forgiveness is not a quick fix. If this had been a shorter intervention, it would not have worked for me.”
In research on forgiveness therapy with people who have endured deep hurts, the longer the duration of the counseling or education, the stronger the results. Longer programs, taking 12 weeks or more, tend to have stronger benefits for clients than programs that only include a few sessions and are shorter. Nathaniel G. Wade, Donna C. Bailey, and Philip Shaffer found that clients who have more sessions in therapy improve more in their symptoms of anxiety and depression.
You also need to consider when to introduce forgiveness to clients, as forgiveness cannot be timed by the counselor. Some clients may benefit from more time and distance from their offender before discussing forgiveness as an option for healing—for example, domestic abuse survivors. It may be beneficial to work on self-esteem issues with clients who may have low self-esteem before bringing up the idea of forgiveness in therapy. Research finds that clients who are more confident and able to acknowledge their own strengths are most willing to consider the idea of forgiveness.
As Wade and his colleagues state, “Within the definition of forgiveness is the implicit idea that people possess at least a moderate degree of self-respect, self-esteem, or, perhaps, ego strength to be able to forgive.”
Forgiveness therapy also cannot be considered a lifelong cure. As with most therapeutic approaches, a client may require reprocessing or booster sessions as time goes on. As one domestic abuse survivor said, “Even years later there are days I have to consciously choose to live out forgiveness. There are opportunities for anger, malice, and bitterness.” A participant in our forgiveness intervention with incest survivors echoes this sentiment: “There absolutely ARE long-term effects of incorporating forgiveness into your heart and mind, but I also believe people need to actively work on forgiving. I ‘practice’ forgiveness on a very regular basis.”
5. Forgiveness and justice can both occur
Another common misconception of forgiveness is that justice—like pressing charges—cannot occur alongside forgiveness. Forgiving and seeking justice are compatible in that they may occur together and both hold the offender accountable for their actions. Forgiveness does not erase accountability or justice. In fact, seeking justice or social activism may greatly complement the goals of forgiveness therapy.
In her study, Sharon Chubbuck gave high school students of color two scenarios of people experiencing hurt. One injury was related to sexual violence and the other was attributable to a racially based hate crime. Students were told that one person forgave the crime and the other did not. They were then asked whether the forgiver or the nonforgiver would be more likely to engage in activism to reduce or prevent more violence of that type. The results illustrated that “all but a few of the participants stated that the person who forgave acts of racial/gender violence would be more likely to work to end such injustice because they would be ‘the stronger person’ and not ‘trapped in their anger.’” Other participants stated that the forgiving person “would know they can survive and move beyond their pain” and would “have hope.” According to Chubbuck, “not one student indicated that the unforgiving person would be more likely to engage in activism.”
You can also help your clients understand the difference between personal justice (seeking revenge) and public justice (holding one’s offender accountable and responsible), as well as discuss with them the idea that justice alone may not provide the relief and emotional healing that they often think it will.
6. Anger and resentment play a role in the forgiveness process
Expressing anger is a critical component of the forgiveness process, as it acknowledges that an injustice occurred and hurt the client deeply. You can validate resentment as a normal and natural feeling after being hurt. Clients need to see that their anger isn’t just OK; it’s healthy. According to Jeffrie G. Murphy, feelings of resentment and revenge are signs of “self-respect, self-defense, and respect for moral order,” and experiencing feelings of resentment after being injured is a sign that “we care about ourselves and our rights.”
Anger and resentment may also have a role in motivating the offender to apologize. In certain situations, offenders might not even know they have done something hurtful. Resentment can serve the purpose of motivating the client to speak with their offender, when safe to do so, thus making the offender aware of the wrongdoing and its consequences. This may possibly lead to an apology as well as forgiveness, rather than revenge or long-term feelings of resentment.
Anger and resentment that we hold on to can be bad for our physical and emotional health. Therapists may need to help clients express their anger in a healthy way and work through their anger before moving on to the work of forgiveness. Some anger may resurface during the forgiveness process, and a bit of anger may remain even after forgiving. It is normal and natural to feel anger when remembering the offense, especially if it was life-changing. However, after forgiving, the anger won’t typically be as intense or as frequent.
7. Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation
Forgiveness may lead to reconciliation, but it does not have to. The client can forgive and choose not to engage with the offender again. Forgiveness is something the client can do all on their own, without any response from the offender. An apology from the offender may make forgiveness easier, but it is not needed for forgiveness to occur. Mental health professionals need to know that forgiveness does not require contact and does not mean that the offender is safe or deserves trust.
As with forgiveness, it is always the client’s choice whether to reconcile or not. Forgiveness does not mean opening oneself up to further hurt or abuse. In cases of abuse, forgiveness should only be brought up if the client is safe from additional hurt. As a survivor of domestic abuse said, “Forgiveness only became an option to me after I severed the marriage.” Forgiveness can occur entirely within the client, while boundaries remain firm. As one survivor of incest said, “The most fascinating part of the forgiveness concept introduced to me was the fact that I didn’t have to see or associate with the person I forgave.”
Why forgiveness therapy?
Forgiveness therapy is beneficial because it reduces rumination and loosens the emotional grip the offender has on the client. It also restores a client’s sense of agency and dignity as they recognize the choice and power to forgive lies within them. The unconditional positive regard you offer the client and then the client offers the offender is transforming in how forgivers view themselves, the offender, and the offense. Forgiveness therapy aligns with trauma-informed care, supports emotional regulation, and restores a coherent personal narrative. Most important, forgiveness is always optional and needs to proceed at the client’s pace.
Clients cannot choose to forgive unless they know about forgiveness as an option and know what forgiving means and entails. The role of the therapist is critical in educating clients about the forgiveness process as well as supporting clients in their decision to forgive, if they choose, and during their forgiveness journey. Therapists can help their clients by recognizing the role forgiveness therapy can play in helping clients move beyond their anger and live more healthy, fulfilling, and meaningful lives. As another incest survivor said, “Had it not been for the work I completed with you, I truly don’t believe I’d be where I am today—physically, spiritually, and mentally. My experience learning about forgiveness with you changed my life.”
This essay is adapted from the 2016 paper “The psychology of interpersonal forgiveness and guidelines for forgiveness therapy: What therapists need to know to help their clients forgive” in Spirituality in Clinical Practice by Suzanne Freedman and Tiffany Zarifkar.